Take 3: A New Voice on Grief

A little known fact about me: before I decided I wanted to be an elementary school guidance counselor I wanted to be a grief counselor.  Some people might consider grief counseling as a contender for the most depressing job ever, but not this lady.  The reason?  Heaven.  We were made for Heaven, and going home is something to be celebrated with happy tears, not sad ones.

I know that now, but I didn't know that when I was 10 and lost my Mom.  Before I knew about Jesus and let myself believe in Heaven, I didn't know how to celebrate death, or really find joy in much of anything for that matter.  15 years later, everything in my life is painted with God's joy.

One of the callings currently bringing me the greatest joy is helping other people to find their voice and share their story.  This month I decided that a great way to honor my Mom would be to give my four sisters a space to share their own experience of her life and her passing instead of just stringing together more of my own words on the topic of grief. 

First, my Sister, Ashley, brings up a perspective I never even considered... the experience my Mom must have had anticipating missing out on the lives of her five children.

Wow. Never thought about that once. 

Of my four sisters, Ashley is probably the one most like Mom.  I can't wait for you to meet her.  Here's the end of my words and the start of Ashley's story...

Ashley and Mom

by: Ashley

“I was the girl who lost her mom when she was 8, she was the mom that lost 5 kids when she was 29.” 

This year marks 15 years since my Mom has been gone, and in those years many life milestones have come and gone, too. With each year it seemed to get easier, almost like she was just a dream. It wasn’t until I had my own child that I realized how much I truly missed her. She left a hole in my heart I couldn’t fill, an unconditional bond between and mother and child. It wasn’t until the day my son was born and I looked into his eyes that I felt unconditionally loved again. It breaks my heart knowing that he will never be able to meet her and how much she would’ve loved him. 

It wasn’t until I gained my own perspective as a Mother that I realized I had been so selfish during the time of her passing, even after the fact. For all these years, I have only thought about how it affected me, and how I would have to grow up and experience everything without her. When I had my son and felt that bond again, my world changed and my perspective on everything changed, too.

I have realized I never put myself in her shoes, thought about how she must have felt. Being a mother, to be sick, knowing the possibility of death was real. Looking in her child’s eyes, knowing very well it could be the last time. Having to stay strong for us, never once did I see her weep. I don’t think I could’ve done it as gracefully. 

Sure, I was the girl that lost her mom when she was 8, but she was the mom that lost her kids when she was 29. She knew she was leaving us, she knew she would miss out on the biggest parts of our lives. I miss her every day. I hope if there truly is a way for her to look down on us, she found it. She has definitely taught me not to take life or love for granted, which has made me a better mother… for that I am grateful. 

Ashley is a 23 year-old Momma living in Kentucky.  Her favorite things in life include spoiling her 2 year old Son, cheering on the Cincinnati Bengals, and the Disney movie "Tangled."