When you are trying to survive middle and high school, mourning your Mom and trying as best you can to help be a good role model for your four younger sisters, the last thing you want to hear is “Jessica, you are not my Mom.” You want to know the hardest part of losing my Mom? Hearing that sentence over and over for years. Of my four sisters, Rachel has always given me the most grace when I didn’t measure up as a Mom-sub, and she offers that same amount of grace to everyone in her life.
Helping to raise her was full of laughs and near catastrophes, some of which she will share with you in this blog post. One worth mentioning: when I was about 10 years old and she was itty bitty- the age where you can’t leave alone for a second- I had to go to the bathroom, so I brought her in with me and set her down on the floor. I had given her a disposable camera to play with, one I had to use for a photography project for my fifth grade class. She took a picture… my pants were down… and I had to get the whole roll developed because it had the photos for my project.
Now that Rachel is older, it is easy to overlook the pants down photos and the couple of times I had to jump fully clothed into pools to rescue her because of the quality of her heart and character. I can’t wait for you to read what’s on her heart…
“I miss her all the time. I know in my head that she has gone. The only difference is that I am getting used to the pain. It's like discovering a great hole in the ground. To begin with, you forget it's there and keep falling in. After a while, it's still there, but you learn to walk round it.”
-Rachel Joyce, The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry
This quote by Rachel Joyce perfectly describes how I still feel 15 years after my mom has been gone. November has always been a hard month, because of the reminder that if she were still here we would share birthday celebrations (her birthday being the 23rd and mine the 24th).
In November I think about the faint memories I have of her, trying to remember her voice. I think about all the things girls dream about doing with their mothers, like girls’ nights, talking about crushes, helping get ready for my prom, or even one day watching me get married. It makes me really sad that none of those things a girl expects to experience with a mother won’t happen for me.
I think about all that I’m missing, and also about all of the awkward, “well didn’t your mom…,” conversations I could’ve avoided if she were here- which added up to be way too many to count! Also, I hate how those conversations go into the, “well how did she pass if you don’t mind me asking?” I know it’s too much to not expect that awkward conversation with people, but I hate thinking about it, honestly.
While I did not have my Mom, growing up I did have a lot of love and guidance from my grandparents, sisters, and Dad. Having that many people to rely on through hard times made everything so much easier. In particular, I really can’t even put into words how thankful I am for my Grandma. Once my Mom got sick and long after she passed, she did a lot of tasks my Mom would have done for my sisters and me, and has always been there when I needed help. She’s just an awesome lady in general, and I wish everyone reading this could meet her!
My Grandma wasn’t the only woman who had to step up. My older sisters were only a few years older than I was when our Mom passed away, so I know it wasn’t easy helping raise my younger Sister and myself. They may not know it, but I have always looked up to them as long as I remember. While growing up together was a lot of fun, I was an accident prone little girl and kept them on their toes… I remember jumping into my Grandpa Phil’s pool fully clothed as a toddler, and luckily Jessica noticed in time to jump in and save my life- thank God.
The infamous teletubbies outfit-
worn during aforementioned pool jump
In more recent years Jessica has helped me with a million college things that I know my Mother would be helping me do if she were here. Navigating through college (specifically paying for it) has been extremely stressful, but thanks to the help of Jessica and Jesus it’s been easy for me to stay positive!
I always look to find the positive both in people and the obstacles God places before me. I make sure I tell people I love them constantly because I know the time we have here is not certain. Often in uncertain times, I feel as if my Mom is looking down upon me and I know she wouldn’t want me, nor my sisters, to be mournful or negative because of her passing. It hasn’t always been easy for me to acquire this mindset though- it’s taken loving myself and overcoming the battle of anxiety. Ever since I was a little girl I have worried about losing people close to me, and to be honest it’s still something I struggle with. One verse that is helping me is Isaiah 41:10:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
All in all, when you lose someone you love- at a young age or not- you have two choices regarding how you let it affect your life: negatively, or positively. I challenge you to choose to be positive and live the fulfilling life you know your loved one would have wanted for you, too.
Rachel is 18 years old and is studying to become a pastry chef. She has a super-fan obsession with One Direction, loves visiting planetariums, and considers her sweet Grandma to be her best friend. When Rachel was little, she would ask people, “do you want to know how much I love you?” then run around the house to show people the physical distance—when your older Sister writes your bio, this is what makes it in!
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