Periodically I become acutely aware that I have very little self-control or discipline in most areas of my life. I eat what I want, spend what I want, am not infrequently 5 minutes late, never stay up as late as I intend to when studying, and I never ever ever exercise. Of all of the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5), self-discipline is the one my little life yields the least. With this in mind, I decided to build up my self-discipline muscles (and actual muscles) and have been doing the Whole 30 eating plan (on day 11, thanks for asking) and have been taking hot yoga classes like 5 days a week for the last couple of weeks.
Now that I’m practicing self-discipline I’m realizing I’m not all that bad at it, and I’m learning a lot of other useful knowledge about my little self, too.
Before we get to the “let me pour out my soul” part, we must first establish that I am a straight up yoga diva. I like one instructor, Laura, and if I cannot make it to her classes each day, I go to other instructors’ classes but I’m never happy about it. But self-discipline anyway!
The reason Laura is the best is because she remembers me, and also because I like her voice. All of the instructors say the EXACT same phrases in the EXACT same sequence, but Laura remembers me and goes at a speed I like and therefore I trust Laura’s voice.
Because she remembers me, she corrects me (and encourages me… but let’s be real, I don’t even care if I’m doing a good job, I’m just proud of me for going and being on time). She always always always has the same correction for me, no matter what pose it is:
“Chest up, Jessica. Chest up.”
Now every time I catch my sweaty little self slipping out of a yoga pose, I know what to tell myself. “Chest up, Jess, chest up.” And in my little head, it sounds a lot like Laura’s voice.
And then I leave the yoga studio. And life is hard, and I feel like I’m slipping. “Chest up, Jess, chest up,” goes a long way in those cases, too. I’m learning not standing defeated, even when you feel it, makes a world of difference. It’s all about the posture.
The only other significant difference I’ve noticed about Laura in comparison to the other instructors is that she says this phrase a whole lot more:
“And that’s enough.”
Between most poses, she inserts that little gem of a phrase and it feels like freedom… like you accomplished something. Like you “passed yoga.” Like you aren’t the worst one in the whole yoga studio. Like you’re hovering above the thing you just did to stretch your little body and soul, victorious.
I can’t really put words together to tell you what it means for me to hear “that’s enough” while looking in the mirror at my sweaty wobbly self about 26 times per class, 5 days per week. That’s like 130 “and that’s enough”s per week. [My calculator just told me that].
Most days I don’t feel like enough. Instead, what I feel like is two long dueling lists of “too much” and “not enough.”
I’m literally making those two lists (you know me, and you know I did) to bring to a counselor and bring to Jesus. When I look at the lists, I realize how silly the line items really are. I knowwwww the things I’m afraid are “too much,” the things that people have made me feel shame about in the past (whether intentionally or unintentionally) are likely God’s favorite things about me. He loves that I remember things well, and that I encourage people, and that I prepare for things. The guy made me with intention, a recipe written in perfect proportions. Enough. I am no small thing to limit.
The things I’m afraid I’m not enough of… fun or self-disciplined or cute or carefree or generally ‘likeable’… I’m working on feeling like I’m enough of those things, too, at least for God and for me. Not too much, but enough.
The things that make both lists, depending on the situation and people I’m interacting with-- brave and vulnerable and intelligent and loving-- are the things I care the most about getting just right, the things I care the most about being. I only need to be brave and vulnerable and smart about the right things, and not waste them on the small things that don’t deserve it. I think if I used all the bravery and vulnerability and intelligence I have when I need to, it would be enough.
When I look down at my two lists and think about giving them to Jesus, I realize I’m kind of broken. And I realize that coming to Jesus broken, that really takes self-discipline (and trust and bravery and vulnerability and smarts) and I can hear Laura’s voice say, “and that’s enough.”
And I wouldn’t be surprised if Laura’s voice and Jesus’s voice aren’t all that different, because his voice hides itself inside every truth. When we start tuning our ears to his voice, we find there’s more than enough of it to fill us up with just enough peace and balance and love to make it through each day.
So, here’s to practicing self-discipline, yoga and being enough with Jesus.
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