Note: this story is about me crying and my friends being awesome and reminding me of Jesus with words and actions. If you are not one of those friends, you probably won’t think this is a cool story; however, this is the internet and you can read if you want. But I’ve warned you.
For the last few months I have been in a co-ed Bible study group comprised of a real hodgepodge of people. We are random, we know we’re random, we discuss it openly, and we own it. Here is what I love about them: everything. More concretely, they show up every week, they love Jesus a lot, and they process information differently than I do-- and in a way I find interesting, not just “interesting.” I think you know the distinction.
(Here’s the other reason they are my people: we basically all happen to be free to spontaneously hang out on the exact same friday nights. Always. It really is magical).
Also worth mentioning: their ability keep up with my many quirks better than most, as evidenced by learning where my magic places are and popping up at those locations periodically. Most importantly, they know about the grassy area under my favorite trees at the arboretum where I go to pray and read and think and sometimes cry, which I have titled “the crying tree” despite that being its least used function. Many people have looked for my semi-famous “crying tree,” but they are in the tiny group who actually know where to find it. So, basically, they are “in.” (And basically, yes, I am really weird).
While we sometimes meet in the wild, this week we just met in my living room. We were talking through the first and second chapters of John when we hit on a story I probably have read several times before, but didn’t remember. In John 1 there is an account of a skeptical guy named Nathanael who doubted Jesus’ goodness before he met him; however, when they finally did meet, Jesus instantly spoke to the goodness he recognized in Nathanael. Nathanael asked Jesus how Jesus even knew him; Jesus told him he had seen Nathanael sitting under a fig tree before Nathanael had known Jesus was coming.
Nathanael’s reaction: belief.
Jesus’ reaction (paraphrased): “that caused you to believe (?!) but you haven’t really seen anything yet.”
Here is what you should know about me: the first round of our hodgepodge Bible study I made handmade booklets for everyone and they were cute (you can make anything cute with a gold marker) and detailed and completely unnecessary. Here is what you should also know about me: I’m learning no one expects things like gilded handmade Bible study workbooks from me, so now I just write down like three discussion questions literally 10 minutes before our Bible study meets and call it a day. They still show up! Magic. We still have good conversations! Magic.
Anyhow, this week one of the few discussion questions I posed questioned why Jesus seeing Nathanael under the fig tree had been enough to change Nathanael’s guarded, skeptical heart. I felt like their responses were kind of pointed at setting perspective for me (whether they were or not) instead of teasing apart an idea as a group and I didn’t know I needed that, but I needed that.
More or less, my friend, Jeff, said something like: “I guess you can try imagining what it would feel like if Jesus saw you under your crying tree when you didn’t know he was paying attention.” And suddenly we’re all talking about my crying tree and not Nathanael’s fig tree, and while the conversation continued over my head, this idea was taking root in my heart: Jesus does see me under my crying tree, even when I’m not looking for him.
The Bible tells another story of Jesus spotting someone in proximity to a tree, a tiny little someone named Zacchaeus, who was curious enough about Jesus to climb a tree to get a glimpse of him. A lot of the time I’m brave and climb metaphorical trees and tiptoe out to the end of metaphorical limbs to see a glimpse of Jesus, like Zaccheus did, and Jesus always meets me when I do. A lot of the time, most of the time, I’m strong enough and brave enough to climb up and look out but very recently, like Nathanael, I haven’t been able to make it past feeling skeptical and doubting the existence of goodness at the base of the tree.
Last week did more than kick my butt, it kicked my tender recently unguarded Jessica heart which, while a resilient and strong little muscle, doesn’t tend to receive kicks as well as butts usually do. It was enough to bring me to tears at the crying tree (and perhaps a few other public places, too). I needed to be reminded Jesus has been paying attention, and is on his way to meet me where I am-- even if I haven’t had the energy to look up and out to seek his face through my hurt.
Random Bible study group shows me Jesus is not the only one paying attention-- they are, too. When my group suspects I might be upset they take turns meeting me under my favorite trees or at my favorite coffee shop, often without me asking them to or disclosing where I am. I am really am that predictable of a human and they really are that calibre of friends.
(Now I am beginning to question if they actually all have a secret group text to coordinate whose turn it is to deal with me….?!).
While we all ended up together pretty randomly, random Bible study group feels less random every time we intentionally show up for each other. There is something especially beautiful about when friends find you when you are feeling skeptical and not looking for them-- when you want friends the least, but probably need them the most. Jordan and Jeff and Natalie and Kim just kind of seem to get it.
So, I suppose if I were to humor Jeff and imagine what it would feel like for a new friend or friends to meet me where I was, and tell me they think I am good enough on days when I don’t feel it, I suppose it might be enough to make me a little less jaded, too. And it’s really not a big of a stretch of the imagination-- that is my real, actual life and I am grateful.
